I’m glad 2019 is over. Maybe not as glad as when 2018 or 2017 finished, but still celebrating the end of a difficult year. The truth is, I’m tired – tired of working, tired of barely surviving, and tired of being challenged.
The good news? The year of exhaustion appears to be giving way to a newfound sense of joy, at least after I rest a little more. Opportunities have opened up; my business is growing; long hours at low pay have given way to shorter hours at work I love; and I have a sense of no longer digging more deeply into a hole – physically or financially.
The year 2019 contained epiphanies large and small, on subjects ranging from romance to money. Among other activities, I worked with a number of healers addressing physical, emotional and even Soul-level blocks. I connected with a woman who offers ancestral healing to better understand the gifts and burdens from those who came before me.
There have been so many turning points in this Underworld journey of lack. It’s always hard to choose a beginning, but there was an epic hike in July of 2018, during the transition from the Leo/Aquarius Eclipse cycle to the current Cancer/Capricorn Eclips cycle. I was alone in the backcountry, taking note of my vulnerability even as I trusted my steps. A small stone the size and shape of a coin turned up on the trail and became a talisman for trust. Over the next little while, I saw through the “fear matrix” so solidly in place in mainstream culture – the one that tells us we need ‘more’ and ‘better’ and targest advertising and entertainment to keep us moving from lack and motivated by security.
Perhaps next was the process of grieving the loss of my own indigenous ways, occurring so long ago as to be completely lost to conscious memory. There was a time when I (and all of us) lived directly from the abundance of the land and people around us, part of a whole organism, connected.
And then came my reclamation of desire; my redefinition of ‘need’. I need what I truly desire! My desires include intimate partnership; a comfortable home; good food; a little travel; the means to be generous; and more. I released old, unconscious vows of purity and poverty. I’ve learned to say ‘yes’ more often, to be less critical, to receive without worrying about what’s next.
With ‘the birth of desire’ came the advent of prosperity. I stopped seeing my bank account as a finite resource to be conserved, and began to trust the ebb and flow of money. Each time I send money out, I give thanks for the means to pay my bills, buy groceries, take a class. Each time money comes in, I celebrate it, and recognize it as a stand-in for the creative force of the Universe – not ‘mine’, but in my care.
I am coming up on the two-year anniversary of creating this Patreon page. The original purpose was to invite support for my work, especially my writing. Those of you here today are the same crew that have been here from the start. Always my own worst critic, I do not feel I have lived up to my expectations of making this into a platform for the book I want to write. There are bits and pieces here, to be sure, but I am a long way from churning out chapters. There has not been much time; there has been even less energy. Until now???
The ideas are legion; there are notes and scribbles in various places. I have a shelf full of journals of all shapes and colors containing the raw material for what needs to be written. There are a number of story arcs needing to be consolidated into one – at least for now.
What is most compelling?? The reclamation of Soul and sovereignty? The journey through the Underworld of my version of poverty? The making of an astrologer and Soul Guide?
I would like to say that this is the year to write, to commit to a book, but I’m not quite ready to believe it is possible – yet. I’d like to finish Part 3 of The Death of Control; I’d like to offer a story about finding self-worth and wealth. I’m not sure the story is complete enough to be committed to paper.
I am, though, more committed than ever to continuing this Soul journey, living in a multi-dimensional world, cooperating with Nature – both the aspects I can see as well as what’s hidden (‘occult’). There was a moment in the past couple of years when I had to choose whether to keep going – and knew I want to see how it turns out. More on 2020 in 2020!
Thank you for being here, for wanting to see how things turn out.